


Smoke Filled Lungs

by FlawlessIvory101



Category: Junjou Romantica
Genre: Cancer trigger warning, Lung Cancer, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-26
Updated: 2016-02-26
Packaged: 2018-05-23 07:12:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6109060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlawlessIvory101/pseuds/FlawlessIvory101
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It all started with a nasty cough that kept both Akihiko and Misaki up all night.</p><p>"If you must die, Sweetheart, die knowing that your life was my life's best part." <br/>Keaton Henson - You</p>
            </blockquote>





	Smoke Filled Lungs

It all started with a nasty cough that kept both Akihiko and Misaki up all night. It eventually caused Misaki to move out of the bedroom at night so he could get some sleep for his job at Marukawa Publishing, because he couldn't afford to sleep on the job _again,_ or they would have no choice but to fire him.

Misaki had tried everything to cure Akihiko's persistent cough that was only getting worse as they days dragged by. Keeping Akihiko hydrated by making sure he was drinking at least six cups of water a day, lozenges and hot drinks, steamy showers and humidifiers, and medications. Nothing seemed to work for more than an hour, and each time the cough returned it was worse than before.

Misaki urged Akihiko to call his doctor to just talk to him about it, but his lover refused by brushing it off as a common cold that would be over in a few more days. Though, the cough never gave any signs of taking it's leave, and it had remained there so long that it pained Akihiko's chest just to breathe and made his voice hoarse. No matter how much Misaki had wanted to contact Akihiko's doctor himself, he respected Akihiko's wishes of just letting the cough run its course.

That was until Akihiko suddenly lost his appetite entirely and nearly gagged at just the smell of food, and started to wheeze. When Akihiko had finally collapsed from pure exhaustion of never being able to sleep, Misaki dialed Akihiko's doctor and talked to him. The man had only told Misaki that he had to take the author to the hospital as soon as possible to make sure he got a proper check up, because the symptoms sounded very familiar, but never told Misaki what they were from.

Now, two days later, Misaki is sitting in one of the many rooms in the local hospital with Akihiko, examining the many graphic posters that were hanging on the walls surrounding them. "This paper on this bed is extremely irritating," Akihiko commented dryly, shifting his body once again which caused to thin paper to crinkle underneath his weight.

"Then maybe you should stop moving every three seconds," Misaki said, voice clippped, as he turned his eyes away from a poster about brain tumors and cancers relating to that. He watched Akihiko open his mouth to argue, but before he could cut a word in, the accustomed sound of his cough echoed around the small room. Misaki frowned and turned his head away, trying to ignore it, until he heard a retching sound come from behind him.

He quickly snatched up the trash can beside him and shoved it underneath Akihiko with his nose crinkled in disgust when his lover immediately started to heave up whatever was left in his stomach. After a few seconds of Akihiko vomiting into the bin, he wiped his mouth, staring at the mess in the object with a horrified expression. "Misaki? Is vomit supposed to be that color?" he asked, voice rough.

Misaki furrowed his eyebrows and glanced shortly into the trash can, expecting just some sort of transparent color because, basically, the only thing Akihiko has had for the past couple of days was water. But, what he was met with instead was a dark red color, with little bits of food mixed inside. He puked up _blood._ Not water, but blood.

"Oh my God," he gasped and continued to stare into the waste bin with an unreadable expression on his face. What the hell was wrong with Akihiko? What did it mean when people vomited up blood? That they were dying? That's what he's heard before but… that couldn't be it. Right?

Before he could fly out of the room in a blind panic to find a doctor for some help, the door opened and a cheerful doctor walked inside. How could he be so damned cheerful when Misaki was holding a trash can full of blood that his lover just puked up? "What seems to be the problem today?" he asked, looking at the clipboard in his hands.

"Well, he just puked up blood if that means anything," Misaki answered, unable to disguise his tone of bitterness. It wasn't directed towards the doctor himself, but the fact that he could be so happy at this time. How could someone walk through the hospital with a smile when it was full of sick, injured, and dying people?

The doctor's eyes lifted away from his clipboard in an instant when he heard the mention of blood. "Let me take that from you," he said to Misaki, his smile gone and now replaced with a professional looking frown. Misaki obediently handed the man the trash can, and the doctor glanced inside it before setting it on the counter beside him. "Was this the first time for it to happen?"

"Yes," Misaki answered, his hands wringing together nervously in his lap. "Does that mean he's dying?"

"Of course not," the doctor replied, reassuringly. "But, it does mean that there is something wrong with his body, and the possibility of dying is not immediately turned away. I'll need to check over him to make sure that there isn't anything seriously wrong."

Misaki nodded, mute. How could he find any words for this? If it wasn't for his stubbornness, Akihiko's illness might have not gotten this bad. Much to his relief, the doctor didn't say anything more for the next few minutes as he checked Akihiko's heart, pulse, and other common check up procedures. "So, besides him just vomiting blood, what has brought you here today?"

"Well, he's been coughing for the past two weeks. Really badly. And his chest has been hurting him, and he hasn't been eating much of anything for the past few days," Misaki explained, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth until he punctured the weak skin.

"I see," the doctor mumbled under his breath, scribbling down a few notes on the paper on his clipboard. It was silent for the next few minutes, save for Akihiko's coughing and the doctor typing something on the computer in the room. "I'm going to take Usami-san into the X-ray room to take some pictures of his chest. If we find anything strange we'll work up to a CT scan today. After that, if there is anything found, we'll work from there."

Misaki furrowed his eyebrows slightly in confusion, not sure as to what the doctor was expecting to find. "What kind of strange things are you looking for, uh?" Misaki's question faltered when he realized he still didn't know this doctor's name.

"You can call me Hase-sensei," the doctor said, but didn't wait for Misaki to correct himself. "And from what you've described, it sounds similar to a case of lung cancer. The X-ray will be able to detect any masses or spots on the lungs. If those are found, the CT scan will be able to tell us if there are any tumors on the lungs."

Misaki's mind went blank, and he felt his heart stammer in his chest. Lung cancer. _Cancer._ The same illness that people die from every single day, and his lover might have it. That can't be right. Akihiko was fine, he just needed to go home and rest and get over this stupid cold. This doctor had no idea what he was talking about. There was no way Akihiko could have lung cancer.

"Hase-sensei," Akihiko spoke out suddenly, pulling Misaki out of his thoughts of denial. The author sounded too calm, too relaxed, and Misaki hated it. Shouldn't he be panicking right now, or yelling at the doctor for saying something so foolish? "How high of a chance do you think I have of having lung cancer?"

"Fairly high, from what I've heard," Hase-sensei said as he picked his clipboard back up. Why was he being so casual about this? This kind of conversation shouldn't be one that the doctor can have with a person, ruin their lives, then just go home as if nothing ever happened. Why was it so easy for him? "But there is no way to know for sure until we run a few tests. Your friend is going to have to stay in here while we go take the X-ray. If anything is found, he can stay in a waiting room outside of the CT scan room."

Akihiko nodded and took one last glance at his silent boyfriend, before slipping off of the noisy bed and slipped out of the room with the doctor. When the door clicked shut, Misaki let his head fall into his hands as he sighed in deeply, trying to shove his panic back down. There was no use freaking out over this right now. He wasn't even sure if Akihiko _had_ cancer. If he did… they'd cross that bridge when they got to it. The thing was, Misaki didn't ever want to get to that dangerous bridge and cross over it.

**-Page Break-**

Fifteen minutes later, Misaki raised his head back up when he heard the door open, and only Hase-sensei stepped inside. "You're going to need to follow me into the waiting room on floor six. Unfortunately, we found a mass on one of Usami-san's lungs, and we need to take a closer look at it."

'Fuck,' Misaki thought to himself, yet obediently got out of his uncomfortable chair to follow the doctor out. They found something. They really found something, and it wasn't normal. It wasn't supposed to be there. Misaki walked silently throughout the hospital halls, nearly bumping into other nurses, doctors, and visitors in his numbness spell. Nobody else mattered right now. All that mattered to him was Akihiko's health.

"Take a seat in here. It might be about thirty minutes until he's out, and if we find a tumor we'll let you know. After that, we'll just have to schedule appointments to take a couple other tests to see if the cancer has spread anywhere else," Hase-sensei said, before walking away and into the room that Akihiko was in.

Why was the doctor talking in a way that sounded as if he was positive Akihiko had cancer? Were they sure he did, and they were just not telling Misaki until this test was done? How cruel that would be. They might know his lover has cancer, but they are just letting Misaki sit out in the hospital waiting room with his nerves so shot he felt as if he was about to throw up. At that thought, a flash of the blood flickered through Misaki's mind, and he screwed his eyes shut tight, trying to shut his brain down for just a few minutes. He didn't want to think about it anymore.

By the time the door to the CT Scan room opened, Misaki had nearly rolled himself up into a ball, his face hidden between his knees. He heard careful footsteps approaching him, and the doctor's tentative voice, calling out to him. He only squeezed his legs closer to his chest knowing what the doctor was going to tell him. They found a tumor. They found cancer inside of Akihiko, and there was probably a large possibility of death. He didn't want to hear about it. Ever.

"Usagi-san and I are going to go home. I already know what you're going to say, so I'll call up here later to schedule an appointment for the other tests," Misaki said quietly, his voice muffled against the cloth on his knees. He picked up the tired sigh from the doctor, but he didn't ever say that Misaki was wrong about there being cancer.

"Usami-san is changing right now, so he'll be back out in a bit. He already knows, and I imagine you two will talk about your options later," Hase-sensei replied and set a packet next to Misaki before walking away. The soon-to-be college graduate lifted his head when he was sure the man was gone, and grabbed the packet with a shaky hand.

He took a glance at it, already knowing what it was going to be about. He picked up the small card that the doctor had placed on the top of it. It was a recommendation card for a doctor who specializes in lung cancer, so he would be able to care for Akihiko's future tests and procedures properly. Misaki swallowed thickly before shoving the card into his back pocket just as soon as Akihiko stepped out of the room and headed over to Misaki.

"I'm guessing the doctor has already spoken to you," Akihiko said, noticing the packet Misaki was holding.

"Obviously," Misaki replied, his voice weak and shaky. How was his lover's voice still so collected, like he wasn't just told he had cancer. If Misaki had been in his place he would be in a crying fit, not because he was scared for himself, but for Akihiko, his brother, Todo, and others close to him. Wasn't Akihiko worried about how other people were going to handle the news? Like Misaki and his brother. And wasn't he best friends with Kamijou-sensei, too? How would he take it?

"Let's go home. I'm driving," Akihiko muttered dully, turning around to head over to the hospital elevators. Misaki narrowed his eyes and stood from his chair, walking behind Akihiko with stiff movements. Why didn't Akihiko care about how he was reacting? He was just acting so… numb and calm. It scared Misaki.

When they were in the car and moving, Misaki was resting his head on the passenger side window, thinking about how they were going to go about treating Akihiko's cancer. Of course they would talk to the doctor first and listen to his own professional opinions on what to do, but what else was Misaki supposed to think about right now? He couldn't bare to think about talking to his brother about it, and tomorrow at school he would have to tell Kamijou-sensei before class. He really didn't want to be dealing with this. Why Usagi-san? What did he ever do to deserve this?

He was starting to doze off from exhaustion after being so mentally strained from everything that had happened today until he caught a whiff of smoke. Cigarette smoke? His head whipped around towards Akihiko to see a cigarette dangling from his lips, and his immediate reaction was to reach across the middle console and slap the damned thing out of Akihiko's mouth. "What the _fuck_ do you think you're doing?!" Misaki shouted, his voice almost sounding like a growl.

"Smoking," Akihiko replied, his free foot moving to stomp out the cigarette that was burning on the floor of his car. "I already have cancer now, so what does it matter? Either way, I'll die." This time, Misaki reached out and punched Akihiko's shoulder harshly, tears stinging behind his eyes.

"Shut up! Just shut up! You're not going to die! I'm not going to just let you leave me like this," Misaki sobbed out, his fists curling on top of his trembling thighs. He bowed his head down to face his feet, sobs racking through his body, yet he didn't feel any tears falling. Was he hyperventilating? Why couldn't he properly cry?

Akihiko quickly pulled the car over to the side of some road they were on and caught Misaki's wrists in his large hands, turning him in a way so he was forced to look up at him. "Misaki, I'm sorry. I won't say it again, okay? I'm just shocked right now and feel kind of… hopeless. Please, just calm down."

"Don't tell me to calm down!" Misaki yelled, his entire body shaking with the force of his tearless sobs. _God,_ they were starting to really hurt his chest right now. "You're sick, and you might die! How the hell can I calm down at a time like this?" he asked, tilting his head down again so he didn't face Akihiko. "Don't leave me, please please don't leave me. I couldn't bare it if you-"

Misaki was silenced by a pair of lips, and only then did the tears finally start to slide down his reddened cheeks. He lifted up his arms, wrapping them tightly around Akihiko's neck to drag him closer, desperate to just be near him, to breathe him in so he could never leave him. Through the rush of emotions, he could distinctly taste tears in their kiss, and whether it was from just him or both of them, it didn't matter. They were both grieving over a loss they never thought they would have to experience.

Telling his brother was just as horrific as Misaki expected it. His brother had immediately dissolved to loud, ugly tears when the word cancer had left Misaki's mouth, and it took all of Misaki's willpower to not join in with him. But, he had done all of his crying last night when he and Akihiko had joined together in a fit of grief, just trying to get through it together in the only way they knew how. Takahiro would have Manami and Mahiro to help him through everything because that was what family was for sometimes.

Telling Kamijou-sensei wasn't nearly as bad. Not just because he wasn't close to the man at all, but because he hadn't reacted nearly as badly as his brother. He had fallen into a kind of shocked silence for a moment, much like Misaki and Takahiro had, before he sighed and thanked Misaki for telling him. He had also told him to let 'Bakahiko' know he could always call if he needed anything or if anything felt a bit off that he didn't want to go to the hospital for, since his "roommate" was a doctor and could probably help a bit if it wasn't too serious, or at least tell him if it was best to get to the hospital immediately. Misaki wasn't sure if he had ever been more grateful towards his literature professor.

**-Page Break-**

"Well, from these tests, the cancer has already spread to Usami-san's brain," announced Akihiko's main lung cancer doctor, Shimoda Katsumi. "And, I am feeling a bit hesitant to perform any surgery on his brain because the cancer has located itself in a part of the brain where if there is a mistake, I could either lose him in surgery or he would become paralyzed in his entire right half," he explained.

Misaki furrowed his eyebrows, and he could feel Akihiko squeeze his hand even tighter, his breath catching in his throat. What did that mean? Did that mean that he was just going to let Akihiko slowly die from the lung, and apparent brain cancer? "So you're just going to let him die without trying anything?"

"Of course not, Takahashi-san, but we need to take a different route of curing him," Shimoda-sensei answered, not seeming at all bothered by Misaki's hostile tone. "I also need to give him the TNM test before he leaves today in order to stage the cancer. That will not only tell us the best way of curing him, but his survival rate as well."

Misaki swallowed nervously, nodding his head slowly. What would happen if his cancer staged badly? What was the highest it could even get to? "How long will it take for the test results to get back to us?" Akihiko asked from beside him, his voice slow from fatigue. Lately, even if he manages to sleep throughout the entire night, he still wakes up feeling exhausted.

"Just a couple of days," Shimoda-sensei assured them, jotting something down on a clipboard beside him. "And the test itself shouldn't take too long either. Takahashi-san, you can just wait in here while I go perform the test on Usami-san, alright?" Misaki only nodded, the familiar uneasy feeling settling deep in his gut as he picked at his nails to do something to distract himself from his doubtful thoughts.

Why were things just getting worse and worse for Usagi-san?

**-Page Break-**

Stage four. Akihiko had stage four cancer in his lungs and brain, with a 1% chance of survival due to not being able to have the surgery. Why do they even give you a percentage of survival that low? That's basically just saying, 'hey, this person is going to die, so better start planning their funeral! Have a nice day!' Bastards. Stupid bastard doctors who don't feel any sympathy to those suffering. Misaki hates them all.

After he and Akihiko had gotten the test results back, and called the doctor asking questions, Misaki had just crumpled to the floor, not even able to cry. He was just shaking, and repeating, "I love you, please don't leave me," over and over again until his voice got hoarse. He's pathetic. He isn't the one dying, and yet he grieves as if he is. But… then again, a piece of him is, and when Akihiko is gone, Misaki will never be the same again. He has a right to grieve like this.

It has been a month now since they received the news, and Akihiko was just getting worse as the days went on. Misaki had tried talking him into doing radiation and chemotherapy, but Akihiko refused each time Misaki begged. He would tell him that there was no point in it because without the surgery there was only a 1% chance he would survive, so he would rather go without damaging his body even more, and getting more sick.

Misaki had yelled at the doctor as well, telling him that he just didn't care that his lover was dying, and he didn't give enough shits to perform the surgery. He knew it was childish to do such a thing, because the doctor had a very good point to not do the surgery. It could wind up paralyzing Akihiko's right side, or killing him, and Misaki would rather have Akihiko die now than be paralyzed for the rest of his life. He would never be happy that way, and neither would Misaki. No matter how they looked at it, it was best this way.

Akihiko had been doing okay, well as okay as a dying man could get, but he was progressively getting sicker. He could barely stomach anything anymore, he couldn't hold a conversation without falling into a coughing fit, and he was asleep most of the day. But tonight, he was upbeat and walking around as if he wasn't sick at all. Out of celebration and relief, thinking it was a miracle that his lover was recovering somehow, he had called Kamijou-sensei to let him know that his friend was getting better and didn't seem sick. He had a roommate, or lover from what Akihiko has told him, who's a doctor so he might be able to explain what's happening. What Kamijou-sensei had replied with was something Misaki wasn't expecting.

"I don't think that he's getting better, Takahashi. Nowaki, my roommate, has told me stories about how people on their last day on earth will seem to miraculously recover and just spend time with their family. But, the next day they die. Doctors believe that it's some peoples way of saying goodbye to their loved ones."

Misaki looked down at the phone cord, watching it wave back and forth with every small movement he made. He had heard about that kind of thing too, but that couldn't be it, could it? Akihiko was just getting better and wouldn't be dying until he's old and wrinkly. That was the way it was supposed to go. "But-" Misaki stammered, unable to say anything after that.

"I know it's sad, Takahashi, but I just don't think Akihiko has much time left with you at all. Make it worth it tonight, all right? That way… you don't have to regret anything," Kamijou-sensei said softly over the phone, almost as if he were consoling a temperamental toddler.

"Y-you're wrong," Misaki spat angrily. "And I'll prove it to you when he turns out to be completely healthy in the next month or so! You're just a pathetic man who doesn't have anyone to love so you want to hurt others. You're sick!" Misaki knew that was a horrible thing to say, and an overreaction, but he couldn't help but fear that his professor's words were true and Akihiko would leave him tonight. Tonight would be it, and Misaki would never see him again. He wanted to take his anger and fear out, and Kamijou-sensei was just there to take it.

"That isn't what I'm doing at all Takahashi, and I'll also have you know I've been in a very good relationship for seven years, so keep your comments to yourself. I'm just trying to warn you so you don't end up regretting your decision tonight. But, if you don't take my advice, that isn't my problem. Goodnight."

Misaki winced when the dial tone played through the phone, and for a moment all he was worried about was how Kamijou-sensei would most definitely be planning his murder by an avalanche of books. That was, until he thought hard about his teacher's words about Akihiko possibly be saying goodbye to him. This would be it. This would be their last time together. Forever.

The thought chilled Misaki to the bone, his heart freezing up with it. He had to make this worth it, even _if_ Kamijou-sensei was wrong. It was better to be safe than sorry, right? Misaki set the home phone down and dashed up the stairs where Akihiko was waiting at, and jumped into the bed next to him so he could show Akihiko how much he loves him. If this was it, he would make sure Akihiko left happily.

**-Page Break-**

Happy isn't exactly the word Misaki would use right now, or anything close to it. With him standing next to Akihiko's hospital bed, gripping his cold hand, and the heart monitor beeping weakly next to his ear, he would use the word heart-wrenching.

"Usagi-san?" Misaki asked quietly, gripping tighter onto his lover's hand. "This… this is it, isn't it?"

Akihiko focused his lavender eyes on Misaki's own red-rimmed ones, and smiled sadly at him. "I'm afraid so," he whispered quietly, his breath rattling out of his lungs with each short breath. Misaki let out a dry sob, his head dipping down, unable to look at Akihiko anymore at the moment.

He looked so different from earlier today, even two hours ago. He looked as if you could snap him in half with two fingers, his skin was so pale Misaki could almost see every vein winding underneath it. There were also too many IV's pricking through Akihiko's pale skin, and that strip connected to a large machine to help his lover breathe wasn't supposed to be there. Why was this happening? "Misaki," Akihiko called out quietly, pulling on his hand gently. "Can you promise me something before I go?"

"What is it?" Misaki inquired, his voice shaky.

"When I die… don't stop living. I don't mean to not kill yourself, but don't do that either. What I mean is, go out and find somebody who makes you happy. Someone that you can lean on and love. I don't want to watch you live in a constant depression, because I'll feel even more guilty about leaving you like this," Akihiko whispered. He sounded weak and tired… oh, so tired. Misaki hated it.

"That's something you would never say. You should be saying that you're going to lock me away even when you're gone," Misaki said with a humorless laugh, resenting the fact that Akihiko was hurting himself by saying he wanted Misaki to find someone else to love.

"You wouldn't be happy," Akihiko rasped. "I just want you to be happy, even if it isn't with me. At least, this way I won't have to watch you trade me for someone better. I don't actually have to deal with the pain of watching you go to another man."

"You jerk," Misaki whimpered, pressing his face into Akihiko's chest, listening to his quiet heartbeat. It was so much weaker than usual, it sounded as frail as Akihiko looked. " _I_ have to watch you go, and the last thing on my mind right now is finding someone else. I… I never imagined the end like this. It isn't fair."

"As if I wouldn't have gone first anyway," Akihiko replied, a light laugh leaving his chapped lips. Misaki shivered when he felt the familiar feel of his lover's fingers carding through his hair, gentle and reassuring as always. "I wouldn't have bared being in your situation. I would have done something drastic just to be with you again. You know that."

"Yeah," Misaki murmured lowly, trying to breathe in as much as Akihiko's scent as possible, but it was tainted by the pungent smell of hospital. "I know. But… I can't promise you that I will be able to find someone else to love like I do you. It's impossible. But, I'll live my life to the fullest, just like I know you want me to."

"Thank you," Akihiko hummed, continuing to run his fingers through Misaki's soft, brown hair. "That's all I wanted to hear."

"I want you to promise me something, too," Misaki said seriously, but didn't move his head away from Akihiko's chest. He wanted to hear his heartbeat for as long as he could, even if it was only for a few more minutes. Judging from the beat against his ear, and the continuous beep from the monitor, he didn't have much longer with him. Tears started to slip from his eyes at the thought, but he kept his voice steady as he spoke again.

"If you must die, I want you to die knowing that your life was my life's best part. I love you."

"I love you," Akihiko responded, taking hold of Misaki's cheek and guided his face over to his own to bring their lips together in a last kiss between them. Misaki could taste the tears between them, but he never moved away until Akihiko's lips became unresponsive under his own. And they suddenly grew so cold, so so cold.

He jerked away, staring at Akihiko's relaxed face. He looked asleep, as if he was having a good dream from the small smile that was gracing along his lips. However, he was gone. His chest wasn't rising and falling with struggled breaths, and his eyelashes weren't fluttering against his cheekbones. There was no movement. Nothing. There was no sound in the room except Misaki's sobs and the long, drowned out beep of the heart monitor. He was dead.

Suddenly, rough hands were gripping onto Misaki's arms, dragging him out of the room. Misaki kicked, yelling at whoever was tearing him away from his lover before he was ready to be physically torn away from him. He was pushed out into the hallway, and he could hear frantic chatter from behind the door from doctors trying to save him, but Misaki knew it was too late. Akihiko was gone, and he wasn't going to be coming back.

He sunk down onto the floor, staring at his hands that were splayed flat against the tile. Hands that Akihiko would sometimes just sit and hold in his own, playing with Misaki's long fingers. He would never have that again. He would never hear his low, soothing voice again. He would never feel his skin against his own again. He would never feel their breaths mingling together as their lips meet for a kiss. He would never have Akihiko again. Nothing but a memory of him.

That was when Misaki allowed himself to scream.


End file.
